I’m halfway through my seventh month of pregnancy and suddenly I feel HUGE. My belly seems to have its own gravitational pull; it dominates my every movement and is constantly the centre of my awareness.
With this new physical restriction I find myself identifying with a demographic of our population I’ve never had much appreciation for before: the sunshine-state-loving, early-bird-special-eating senior citizens.
I’m finding there are a lot of similarities between us, each more hilarious than the last. Here are my top five reasons why being pregnant is like being old.
You Have to Sit Down to Put on Your Shoes
Just because I can still see my feet doesn’t mean getting to them is easy. Between dizziness, fatigue and an uncomfortably stretched abdomen I have to sit down to put on anything below the waist: underwear, socks, pants, shoes. You know those seats they have in store fitting rooms? i.e. that place where you put your purse and shopping bags while trying stuff on? Yeah, I actually use those for sitting now…
You’re Worried About Farting and Peeing in Public
The bigger and more swollen you get the less control you have of your nether regions and the more adventurous public outings become. Peeing your pants becomes a very real risk and I’ve had to learn every possible strategy for finding bathrooms in public spaces. The other side effect of bloating? Well…let’s just say if you find yourself in an enclosed public space during the later stages of your pregnancy, try and stand near an old person so you have someone to blame it on.
Strangers Take Pity on You
In December I went to visit my sister in London. Being the wonderful big sister that she is she got me the most fantastic present: a special “baby on board” button to wear on the London Underground. This made it clear even with my thick winter jacket that I was pregnant, and with this magic button I experienced a completely different world. I got the most incredible treatment from strangers: people gave up their seats to me instantly, held doors, offered to carry things and even allowed me to jump to the front of lines. Initially I felt self-conscious with the attention but I quickly learned to embrace it; after all it’s one of the greatest benefits of being pregnant!
Stairs Become Your Worst Enemy
I don’t think I’ve ever hated anything as much as I hate stairs right now. How is it that I can make it through an hour spin class, 
but one flight of stairs turns me into a wheezing, dizzy mess? All of a sudden I find myself a champion for the physically disadvantaged. Every time I see an escalator going down when it should be going up it makes my blood boil (shame on you, TTC!) and I start drafting a letter of complaint in my head.
The Simplest Tasks Become Difficult
I knew that during pregnancy my body would go through a lot of changes and most I was prepared for. The one thing I wasn’t expecting was to turn into a stumbling, awkward space cadet.
While pregnant extra relaxin courses through you to help your muscles stretch and push out the baby. Unfortunately this relaxin can’t distinguish between muscle groups so it stretches all the muscles and ligaments in your body. Which basically turns you into an awkward pre-teen boy who can’t control his growing limbs. I drop things constantly, and because my back is so bad picking them back up is torture. Every time I drop my keys, phone or soap in the shower I cry inside. I literally sit down to hang laundry now so that I don’t have to keep reaching down to the floor for dropped clothes.
Add to this your decreased brain activity (yep, it’s been proven) and the simplest of tasks become a major undertaking. I currently have a running tally I keep with my husband of ‘pregnancy moments’ of the week: things like doing the laundry without putting the detergent in, locking myself out of the house, or attempting to bake muffins and spilling coconut oil all over myself and the kitchen floor. I’ve found the best way to handle these moments is just to laugh at them, since there is little else I can do!
Have another funny way that being pregnant is like being old? I’d love to hear your additions in the comments!
In Search of Bliss 